Praying for Tragedy

Day Zero: 101 in 1001

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 08:50:22 GMT

I like to think of myself as a very goal-orientated person. I also happen to be very big on making lists in order to keep myself organized. Thus, I have decided, with the help of the Day Zero Project, that the best way to organize my life is to make a list of goals.

These are 101 things that I wish to accomplish within 1001 days.

I have purposely set this up so that the start date, August 21, 2009, coincides with the day that I am first eligible to receive my driver's license, and the end date, May 18, 2012, is the eve of my 19^th birthday.

Progress on multi-part tasks will be tracked, and tasks will be stricken out as they are fully completed.

Love-

Fall in love.
Be in an actual, serious, and committed romantic relationship with someone.
Have sex with someone I love.
Have sex without strings attached.
Kiss someone in the rain.
Kiss someone with a lip piercing.
Kiss someone with a tongue piercing.
Kiss a complete stranger.
Go on a proper date.
Get a date to the prom.
Make the first move on someone.

Go-

~~Get my drivers license.~~
Get a car.
Get in the car and drive, without it mattering where I go.
Take a lazy walk that feels as good as the one I went on all those years ago.
Ride the New York subway.
Celebrate New Year’s Eve in Times Square.
Swim in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
Go to a poetry slam.
Go to a rock festival.
Go to 12 concerts. [0/12]
Go to 3 amusement parks. [0/3]
Go camping again.
Go on a road trip with friends.
Travel internationally without my parents.
Spend one week in Seattle.
Spend one week in California.
Spend one weekend in New York.
Visit 5 different European countries. [4/5]

Learn-

Stay on the forensics team for at least one more year.
Get at least 2’s on at least 4 more AP exams. [0/4]
Get at least 4’s on at least 2 more AP exams. [0/2]
Graduate high school with honors.
Apply to at least 5 colleges outside of Virginia. [0/5]
Visit the aforementioned schools. [0/5]
Get into a school I actually want to go to.
Move away from Virginia (for school?).
Leave home on good terms.
Look into studying abroad.
Be able to speak German fluently.
Pursue learning at least basic Finnish.

Do-

Dance on a rooftop.
Scream from an open window or rooftop.
Watch fireworks.
Spend an afternoon just sitting on a Metro/Subway train.
Spend an afternoon just people-watching.
Celebrate my 18^th birthday in some grandiose manner.
Get so drunk that I can’t remember my name.
Try Absinthe.
Meet a celebrity.
Stay awake for 48 straight hours.
Spend a night sleeping outdoors in some fashion other than tent camping (e.g., in a park).
~~Avoid getting in a major fight with anyone for one month.~~

Get the star tattoo I’ve always wanted.
Get the “love” tattoo I’ve always wanted.

~~Set up a new email account that I can use for more “grown-up” purposes.~~
Read 15 books. [1/15]
Write 10 new fanfics (including #59 and #60). [0/10]
Write one series.
Write a Busted fanfic.
Make an actual card for PostSecret once a month.
Sign up to participate in Postcrossing.
Actually register to beta read on Perfect Imagination.
Do 4 ADIMLs. [0/4]
Blog about ordinary stuff that happens in my life for one straight week.

Get a job.
Get a pet (even if it’s just something small, like a fish).
Baby-sit.
Be financially comfortable enough to make a big purchase (e.g., a car) with my own money.

Splurge on a great pair of designer shoes (costing $125 or more).
Spend a day at a professional spa.
Get a professional bra fitting.
Get a Brazilian wax.
Give $152 to charity.
Shop at Wegman’s.
Get a new iPod.
Get a new laptop.
Get a really good digital SLR camera.

Start an online portfolio for my photographs.
Take a photography class outside of my high school.
Pursue becoming a freelance photographer.
Sell one photograph.

Take a self-defense class.
Take a cooking class.
Sing on a stage.
Dance on a stripper pole.
Join a gym.
Lose 8 pounds (i.e., hit, let’s say, 102-105 lbs.).
Stay under 117 lbs.
Take part in a 5K.
Dye my hair so that it is at least 3 different colors at once.

Spend an evening without using electricity.
Make an entire meal from scratch.
Abstain from ready-cooked/pre-made foods for 3 consecutive days.
Eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables (and perhaps dressing) for one whole day.
Stay vegetarian (with the exception of #97).
Allow myself one “cheat day” to eat meat, just to see if it’s still worth it.
Go vegan for one week.

Complete at least 79 other items on this list. [0/79]
Plan an amazing 19^th birthday.
Write up another “101 in 1001”, using only new items and items I have not yet completed.

Sixteen, Not Quite Going On Seventeen

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:03:19 GMT

So it was my birthday today, which was actually pretty boring. I started off fighting with my mother about her driving skills on the ride to school, and I then had an SOL exam for history, for a class I haven't even technically taken, as I was in AP. My teacher posted something online saying that everyone at least passed, so that's nothing to worry about right now. There's a chemistry one tomorrow, but I don't really care enough to study.

Last weekend was quite a bit better though. I went camping for the first time ever at Burke Lake for another friend's birthday, even though it got off to a rough start because it was with these other two girls that I barely knew, and I'm pretty sure that I just gave them the initial impression that I was the snooty, girlie type of girl because of how weirded-out I was by "nature". l=/

Then I came home, showered, passed out, and went to dinner and the movies that evening with a few other friends to celebrate my birthday. We saw Star Trek, which was pretty great, except that none of us had ever seen the original TV series, so the basic premise was kind of lost on us. Then I came home, showered, passed out [seeing a pattern?], and didn't wake up until 6 the next morning, even though I had things I needed to get done that night. I proceeded to watch about 5 hours of America's Best Dance Crew, deciding, and taking comfort in the fact, that I can probably do anything they do. Then I fell asleep again until 4 in the afternoon, which totally screwed up my sleep pattern even more than a weekend normally does. Then I read a good chunk of 1984, which has been on my 'to-read' list for years, ever since I first heard Incubus' "Talk Shows on Mute", for English. It's actually interesting, except that it takes a while to pick up. I just SparkNotesd the entire thing though, so I know how it ends. It's kind of spirit-crushing and I want to avoid it, but at the same time, I still have the need to find out how exactly everything happens.

And I just found out that my dad can get time off work this summer, so we're [sort of] officially going to Europe this year. l=] I think it's only going to be France, Italy, and a tiny bit of Germany though, because it's mostly based on where my mom wants to go, so yeah. l=/ Two more years until I'll be getting to go where I want at least...

Turning 16 also entails the first anniversary of when I set up this journal, so I finally decided to kick my ass into high gear and finish my Lovex fic. I had promised myself [and a couple people online] that I'd have it out last Thursday, but I was pretty exhausted after the AP exam [which really wasn't as bad as I expected, just energy-draining], and never got around to it. Then of course the weekend was insane, so I didn't get started typing it up until last night. This was the one that I mentioned being really proud of and excited for, but I don't know now. It kind of lost its luster when I put it away for a bit. It was originally handwritten, which was a bitch to make sense of, especially because I didn't bother to write the parts in order [or sometimes even on the lines]. I would post a scan, but my laziness tells me that it'd be better not to. l=] I just finished the last transitions that I didn't have written out before and edited it tonight, so voila! [It's not beta'd because I really wanted to post it tonight, so forgive the suckiness.]

Title: Steal Some Covers, Share Some Skin
Rating: NC-17?
Pairing: Theon/ Julian
Disclaimer: ~~I got them as presents.~~ No, they wouldn't go into the box willingly, so they still own ~~each other~~ themselves.
Summery: Drabble #3. 777 words. Sex on a rainy morning.
Warnings: Fluffy PWP. Nothing graphic, more like couples porn or something.

A/N: Title is from Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning", which this fic reminds me of. Thought of it in the shower after a rainy day, and had to write it down. ~~Darn thing kept me up an extra hour *shakes fist at sleep*. Actually that was a while ago and I'm just getting to it now because life got in the way *again with the fist shaking*.~~ Full story of my life lately is up there above the cut?

Though it had already reached midday, the messy bedroom remained in darkness underneath the cloud-filled sky. The soft “pitter-patter” of raindrops gradually increased in volume until it sounded as if continuous buckets of water were pouring down, soaking the earth. A flash of light surged across the sky, bringing an electric blue, almost eerie glow into the room through the sheer curtains covering the window. The rumbling and cracking of thunder could be heard just seconds later. Underneath the warm, thick duvet and rumpled bed sheets, a drowsy and slightly frightened Julian Drain awoke with a start to face the bare chest of his lover. The stirring of the body beside him caused Theon to rise from his slumber as well.

It was going to be a lazy day for the young couple, with neither of them having to go to work or rehearsals for the first time in far too long. No, today would just be for them.

“Hey you,” Theon spoke, despite his scratchy morning voice.

“Mmm, morning,” Julian mumbled back into his boyfriend’s chest, lightly kissing the smooth skin he found. At that inopportune moment, another monstrous thunderclap stole away from the serenity of the scene. Julian couldn’t help but jump and hold on to Theon just a bit tighter as his body tensed with the shock of the disturbance.

Theon struggled to hold back his chuckle, seeing how visibly flustered Julian had become.

“Juke, were you perhaps… scared?” Theon teased, throwing in a flippant eyebrow wiggle and a wide smirk.

Julian blushed, looking down as he answered with a faintly anxious, “No, no, of course I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were!” accompanied another broad grin.

“No, it was only bec…” Julian’s protest was cut off by his boyfriend’s wandering fingertips, which were now making their way across his pale upper body. He struggled to fight off Theon’s attack, even kicking off the covers in the process, but soon forfeited, submitting to the older man’s tickle-assault.

It wasn’t until now that Julian noticed that, in the midst of their play-fight, Theon had managed to pin his wrists, and the rest of his lean, unclothed body for that matter, to the bed. As he looked up, their eyes shared a knowing glance. Their ravenous mouths met in a nearly bruising kiss, each man’s lips hungry for the other’s. Theon took this time to reach toward the nightstand, grabbing the small bottle of lube that they always kept handy. He lifted himself up slightly to spread some of the cool, slick substance onto his hands.

As his first finger nudged at Julian’s entrance, Theon bent to kiss his younger companion’s collarbone, something he always did, not only as proof of his love but also to remind him that the initial pain of penetration would soon have its rewards.

One digit led to another and both fingers were soon making their way toward Julian’s tender spot. They scissored apart, stretching Julian from the inside out; Theon knowing that the process was necessary in order to make the experience as enjoyable as possible for the both of them. Once the shy Julian could no longer hold in his porn-worthy moans and mewls, Theon removed his fingers and took hold of his own cock, guiding it up as he slid inside his lover to the hilt, meeting just enough resistance to heighten the sensation and make him shudder, almost causing the strong arms he used to hold himself up to collapse.

Their bodies rocked together gently, almost silently, lovingly. Both men were enthralled with the sensation of the other’s touch, the warmth emanating from the other’s skin. This was no longer just ordinary sex; this was lovemaking.

They remained like that for some time until the bubbling tension building up in the pits of their respective stomachs became too overwhelming to bear. Theon sped up his actions, now putting more force and vigor into each thrust as Julian’s groans grew louder. His hand became magnetized to Julian’s cock as he got closer to reaching his peak. Just a few pumps of his fist later, Theon found both their torsos covered in Julian’s cum, it smearing together more and more with each time their bodies met. Set off by the tightening of Julian’s muscles during his orgasm, Theon came himself with a strangled gasp shortly after, spurting his creamy seed into his younger lover.

Theon rolled off of Julian, so as not to crush him, but refrained from pulling out just yet. Breathing hard, their bodies exhausted, their lusts sated, the two came down from their highs.

They lay together again, cuddled close, their hearts syncing, joining to beat as one.

Who is the College Board, and Why Do They Own Everything?

Thu, 14 May 2009 01:53:30 GMT

My first AP exam ever is tomorrow and I was so calm just a second ago, but I just went online to check out the PowerPoints I'm supposed to study off of and that just brought on a massive wave of tense nervousness. Like, I'm almost literally buzzing right now. And I'm thinking that I should have studied more or started earlier, but the fact of the matter is that I've read the entire Princeton Review book in the past week and it had gotten to the point where I could no longer focus or really absorb the information, so I just pretty much resolved to stop worrying and just let it happen. I'm a fatalist like that, I suppose. ~~But now I'm panicking.~~ Actually, I have no idea. It's just that weird sinking feeling in the pit of my heart or my stomach or something, you know? And I really should be taking this time to study rather than coming on LJ and rambling about the test, but I had the strongest urge to write just a second ago. ~~So now I'm here, and that okay, because I have to write three essays tomorrow morning anyways, so this is just good practice, right?~~ Wow, that's an extremely lame attempt and rationalizing, isn't it?

And the thing is, I'd be alright with receiving a score of "2", but the bottom quarter of people get a "1", which is the lowest score out of a possible 5. I've actually worked hard this year- read every chapter when I was supposed to and took the required notes- which most other students haven't, so I would just be so pissed off if I got a "1". I feel like that would mean that I've wasted an entire year in the class. People that sleep through lectures and don't ever do the work and live on some farm in the Midwest where they homeschool themselves get "1"'s.

*Breaks down, cries, screams, breathes.* Yeah, thus is life.

Better Luck Next Time?

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:40:36 GMT

Title: Remorse
Rating: PG
Pairing: Theon/ Julian
Disclaimer: I've got $60. Why would you even bother to sue?
Summery: ~~Drabble #2~~. 1030 words. ~~Whoo!~~ Julian pushes Theon away, ending their relationship. And now he regrets it. ~~Wow, that's a lame summery if there ever was one.~~
Warnings: Angst. Slight triangle?
Beta'd by Helena at Perfect Imagination

A/N: Second fic I've written in forever, so it's bad. But I actually feel a lot better now that it's edited? And I wrote it with the intention of posting it on LJ comms, so I figured I might as well. There's another fic coming soon that I like a whole lot more than this though.
Be gentle?

Why do you have to make this so difficult? You flaunt her in front of me, as if trying to prove that you’ve moved on, that I didn’t really matter to you at all. That WE didn’t really matter to you. But you know what? It mattered to me. To me, we meant the world.

You and Ria. And your dogs. Just one big, happy family. There used to be a time when I thought that it would be the two of us together. I’d wanted to believe that you were happy with me, happy being with me. I mean, she’s nice, but not nice enough for you. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted you to just forget her, leave her to languish on the backburner. I wanted you all to myself. I fell further out of that dream world though each time I realized that she was the one you went back to every night, that she was the one you said ‘I love you’ to every day.

I suppose, deep down, I knew it would never work out. We were nearing the end anyway, so I went out one night and, as usual, got way too drunk for my own good. And right around my sixth or seventh drink, (well, the point at which I could no longer keep count, at least), I saw you two, cuddled up in the corner. Looking like a proper couple, one that didn’t have to sneak around all the time, hiding their love from the public like we did.

That’s when I lost it. Grabbing the guy I had been dancing with, I went off to the men’s room. To this day, I can’t decide what my true intention was. To make you jealous? To make you hurt like I did? To just get off with some stranger while thinking of your face in front of me?

It doesn’t even matter. You followed, just as I had hoped. Your curiosity got the better of you, I suppose, and just as I was getting on my knees, tugging down this random guy’s zipper, you burst into the room. All it took was the look on your face, and I knew that things would never be the same. Change was what I had wanted, but certainly not in that way. Life never quite goes the way you want, you know? I tried to run after you, but you had already put enough distance between us to become lost in the maze of packed, sweaty bodies on the dance floor. I cursed them all; these people didn’t even appreciate how lucky they were. They all got their nice night out, so what right did they have to stand in the way of my happiness?

The next day, we had a rehearsal, and you couldn’t even stand to look at me. I wanted you to; I needed you to make that first move. That would have been my chance to plead my case to you, but you did everything to avoid my presence. You just sat there, whenever we took a break, distant and silently brooding in the corner of the room, hunched over, letting your long fringe drop forward to hide your face as you wrote new lyrics or something into that notebook of yours. I remember a time when we used to leave each other secret little messages in there. I guess that won’t happen anymore. It was then that the reality of our situation really hit me, and I wanted more than anything to take the last night back, to apologize, but I had no idea how. So I walked away. Glum and remorseful, but too much of a coward to muster up the courage to take action like I should have.

The day after, you came in, announcing your new engagement and your plans to bring your girlfriend along on tour with us. Your smile was fake. I knew you well enough to see that, but the other guys never picked up on it. It was too late by then for me to do anything. In the course of just two days, I had completely lost you.

So that brings us to the present—here, sitting around on the bus. You’re snuggled up together on the seats, whispering sweet nothings, while Sammy and Viv work on riffs in the back, and Christian and Jason make stupid videos of each other to pass the time. And I’m here too, pretending to read while staring at you from across the lounge, pondering how things could have been.

But logically, I know that you’re no longer mine to hold, to touch, to love. And as much as I want to tell logic to go screw itself, Ria is too good of a woman for me to try to steal you back from her. That would be unfair. In fact, I’m betting that she still has no idea about our secret relationship. In any case, she’s the only one that’s completely innocent in this sordid little love triangle of ours. She doesn’t deserve to be sucked into our drama, to feel the hurt I do. As they say, ignorance is bliss.

It’s early afternoon, but I’m already exhausted. As bad as the days on the bus together are, the nights are even worse. After all, how am I supposed to sleep properly when I’m so close to you? I just lay there in my bunk, trying to avoid thinking of us, thinking of you, and especially trying anything to avoid thinking of you with her. In reality, I know you’ve left me alone, left me for her. It’s entirely my fault really, and I want to be angry. I want to blame myself; I want to hate myself, but I know I have to move past that anger for the sake of us all. You’re happy. She’s happy. Two out of three isn’t bad right? I just wish I wasn’t that third statistic. Now all I have left to do at night is lay there alone in the dark, thinking of the mistake I made, hopelessly crying tears of remorse over what I lost.

Oh My Gosh, I Can't Believe It

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:23:17 GMT

So I was slightly poked to start writing fics again, which I actually haven't since way back in my fangirl GCFanfics/ MSN Groups days. Yeah, there're two completed drabbles, but I think I'm going to post them in seperate entries though, because they're in differnent fandoms. I'm actually not quite totally happy with them, but it's better than that half-hearted attempt last summer? Been completely ignoring school work the last few nights, but I'd say it was worth it. Actually, there's a third coming up that I love about 10 times as much as these combined, which is already almost done, but needs to be typed up and edited. [That thing kept me up until 4.00 AM last night, but I actually still felt surprisingly good today at school, and that's huge. I don't think I've had a natural high like that in ages.] Now I just need to figure out cuts, post these, do math homework, ignored my math quiz, and then I can go to sleep happy.

[Both were beta'd through Perfect Imagination.]

Title: Cold Without Your Arms
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jyrki 69/ OMC
Disclaimer: I've got $60. Why would you even bother to sue?
Summery: Drabble #1. 838 words. Breakup, makeup, snow
Warnings: Slight angst? Fluff?
Beta'd by Liz at Perfect Imagination

A/N: This idea originally came to me a few months ago when I woke up one morning due to a freezing cold bedroom. Slightly based on 'Long Night" by The Coors. Well, that's where the title is from anyway.

It’s been months since we last spoke. But here you are. And I knew that you would be. You always are. This bar’s your regular hangout. But, for whatever reason, I still let my friends drag me here.

No, I can’t say that really. Something drew me toward you. It’s incredible, you know? All this time and still, you appeal to me. And yet again, I find myself sucked in, like a moth to a flame. Only I’m older now, more mature, more sensible. This time, I know that there’ll be pain, it’ll hurt every time you have to leave me, it’ll tear me up inside every time I see a photo of you out and about, partying with friends, knowing that I’m not there. It’ll destroy me, wondering if you’ve forgotten me already.

You had to have known that I would be back here eventually. This had been our place – the place where you first spilled your beer on me after playing a set. The place where we first kissed, first got to know each other. I couldn’t bear to come here for just about forever after we broke up, you know? There are just too many memories that this place holds for me. But I live just down the street, and my friends insisted that I needed a night out. They don’t know about our past, so I had no other real excuse not to come along. I figured that it would be easier to risk spotting you than to try and explain our entire turbulent love story to them.

You saw me first, though. We even made eye contact across the dance floor, through the maze of drunken, sweaty bodies, we found each other. At some point, I looked away. I couldn’t stand the blister of your gaze any longer. It was as if you were trying the decipher me; burrow your way into my head all over again. I won’t go back to that. I shouldn’t. I can’t. You’re not a vampire as you like to claim, but instead a ghost from my past. You’re just as mystical either way. Just as powerful. You’re that tugging felling at the corner of my heart that never leaves me alone. A specter remaining from a breakup that haunts me to this day.

Those darkened eyes; that carefully sprayed hair; the big, dark sunglasses. My God, you don’t change, do you? But that’s okay. I don’t think I want you to change, even though I’m realizing now that I constantly asked it of you back when we were together. In fact, it was probably the greatest factor of our demise.

We’re leaving now, not you and me, as I wish it could be again, but this group of new friends I’ve forged. I had to, of course. Everyone else reminded me of you. It felt so right at the time – leaving, I mean. But then the consequences hit me. You were really gone from my life. Not just away on some tour. But actually gone. Granted, not permanently, but you were no longer mine. You didn’t even put up a fight.

I miss you now. Even though it took a while for me to realize it. And I think you miss me too. I could see it in your eyes, the eyes I searched for all night after that moment on the dance floor. But I never saw them again. Maybe you were hiding from me. Maybe we’ve both been unconsciously avoiding each other since that moment. After all, we’ve avoided each other ever since we parted ways, so what’s another hour or so?

It’s cold and icy out here as we wait for an available cab. It’s supposed to snow, though. I’ve always loved the snow. But perhaps it’s not meant to be tonight. What difference would it make at this point anyway? I’ve already just about given up on this night.

Now I see you again. Leading the pack of “Helsinki Vampires” as usual. All dressed in black and resembling a bunch of old-school rock gods. My friend recognizes you first. She, like everyone else on the street, sees you for what you are, not who you are. That’s one thing I can pride myself on at least- I wasn’t just another gold digger or lust-crazed groupie. I was so much more. I loved not the great Jyrki 69, but Jyrki Linnankivi, the man who secretly dances to Elvis songs when he thinks he’s alone, the one who turns to comics to escape the stressful realities of adult life that you refuse to burden the rest of us with. I used to doubt that, I suppose. But now I‘m sure.

You approach us, and I’m standing here, rooted to the ground in stunned silence. You reach toward me, pulling me into your warm embrace, sheltering me from the freezing winter night. And just as you pull my face toward yours, the first snowflakes make their appearance. Did I mention that I’ve always loved the snow?

[^And no, that has nothing to do with anything, it's just the truth.]

Yeah...

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 20:50:52 GMT

I need to write something new soon.

Or study.
Or do homework.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Won't happen, but yeah.
10 weeks of school, 3 SOLs, 1 AP exam, and 7 finals until summer.

My ~~brian~~ brain hurts.

The New Day

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:17:38 GMT

This isn't really a post, I suppose, but Barack Obama has pretty much officially become America's new President-elect. All evening, my eyes have been glued to the TV, watching the news like it's the flipping Super Bowl or something. I'm watching CNN and actually getting teary eyed over the significance of this day, of what it means for this country, this world.

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually feeling the hope.

12 Weeks and 7 Years Ago

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:52:11 GMT

Originally, I started this blog as a way to document my high school years, starting daily at my 15th birthday. And that worked for a bit. But then my laziness finally got the best of me and I gave it up over the summer and never came back except on the communities.

Summer was honestly a waste of time though. I went to China, and I would have written except that the only way I could access LJ at all was through proxy servers that wouldn't allow me to ever actually sign in. I sat around, Facebooking people and trying to keep up. It was an experience, but probably not one I'd like much to repeat.

School started nearly two weeks ago now, and I had planned to restart this page around then, but my procrastination and jag lag of course took over, as per usual, and I never finished any work before midnight, when I usually get ready for bed in order to be able to drag my ass out of bed at 6.30 am. Sophomore year has given new meaning to "I'm surrounded by idiots" though; my English teacher constantly comes off as a 'power-bitch' of sorts; my chemistry teacher tried to convince our class that 7-3=3 and won't stop say the term 'siggy-figs'; the AP history has this incredibly nasally voice and makes the same terrible jokes repeatedly; I'm sure that my algebra 2 teacher thinks that I'm a complete idiot [and I can't actually remember a thing from algebra 1 either]; the gym teacher seems decent, but doesn't hold a candle to last year's; my photo 1 teacher's an absent-minded hippie-wannabe; and German teacher barely teaches and will kick people out of class for the simplest reasons [but at least I already know enough from listening to German songs to know enough to be a bit ahead]. I feel like I'm already struggling to keep out this year though because if I can barely find the energy to finish the workload I have now, what's it going to be like in spring?

I'm so out of shape though too. Doing a few jumping jacks and push-ups on Monday in gym left me sore, and starting dance in Tuesday and Wednesday [I'm so out of it in both classes anyway] has made it difficult to even walk. How am I supposed to stretch if I'm in so much pain from even extending my leg? And I have cramps too. Bad.

It's the seventh anniversary of the September 11 attacks today too. And in history today, as a warm-up we were invited to share any memories of that day, from when we were in 3rd grade. I didn't bother to share, but it did get me thinking. I was eight years old then, and lived in Arlington, just a couple miles from the Pentagon. I remember that at snack time, around 10.00 am or so, one of my best friends, Deepika, was the first one in our class to be picked up. I remember thinking that it was weird, because she didn't mention having a scheduled appointment during the day. I remember not finding out about what had happened until after lunch, when instead of recess, the principal would take what was left of each class, and give some watered down, child-friendly explanation about "bad people" and tell us not to worry. I remember that my parents decided not to pull me out of school early because I'd made a big deal out of having to leave early on another day, because it took away from the time I'd had to hang out with friends. I remember seeing the footage of the collapses on the news, thinking that it was just some 'cool' action scene, as if out of a movie. I remember having a balcony on the 8th floor of our apartment, facing DC, the Pentagon, and National Airport, and seeing smoke coming from the building for the next couple of days; seeing search nights turned on at night, and how the smoke would transform into these beautiful colors at twilight, purples and greens. I remember that as being one of the few events that entire year that would be worth saving. I remember not having school the next day, and I remember driving towards the suburbs on Friday nights to this Asian market we'd go to and seeing the gaping hole in the side of the building, the charred remains of a historical landmark firsthand. I remember driving from the airport a couple weeks ago and noticed a warning sign, notifying travelers that the country was still on 'orange' alert, then seeing the sculpture by the highway by the Pentagon, 3 prongs, pointing toward the sky from which tragedy fell. I remember, and it's oddly hard to forget. When I think of elementary school, when I think of 2001, that's just about all I can recall, and that honestly scares me a bit; maybe I was affected more due to the exposure I had, but it does at least signal that we're a generation plagued by fear, by death. I can't remember a time when air travel was safe, when you didn't wonder every now and then about that strangely quiet couple sitting on the bench next to you. It's scary, but in a way, it's just the new version of normal.

Der Letzte Tag

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 06:24:09 GMT

So school's finally out for the summer for me. It seems so surreal, though. I feel like I should be thinking of starting homework or something [while not actually doing it, as usual]. It's like i don't even remember what an actual break feels like anymore. I've gone back to reading fanfics again, though, so at least there's that to keep me occupied. And I might not have to go back to China this summer after all, if my dad can't get the time off work, so yay.

I Wanna Be Sedated

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 03:21:20 GMT

The English final was a complete crock today, though I think my essay portion was decent. There were these matching questions where you had to identify syntax or something that we went over technically, but was never explained properly, so no one actually understood any of it. The biology exam was super easy, though. I got through 150 questions in less than an hour and ended up just sitting there drawing pictures of butterflies and spiders with Chelsea for for second hour. That's another class that i have the automatic added 10%, so I'm not worried about that either.

It's just the guitar final for me tomorrow, and I'm still not sure I can get it up to speed, so I still have to practice that tonight, and then I'm done with freshman year. I feel like it went by so quickly; in September, I only wanted time to speed up, but now I want to stay. It's like, as soon as the year got good, it ended.

Nowhere To Go...

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:28:53 GMT

Still really bored... We actually ended up getting formula sheets for the geometry final, so the 20 seconds I spent trying to memorize those were a waste. Then my history presentation went surprisingly well [I got a 100], probably just because the people before me were pretty much first and weren't sure what to do. There's English and biology tomorrow, which I should actually look over [both teachers gave study guides], and then just the guitar piece to play Friday. I'm so used to the feeling of summer already though, that I just want the next days to pass by so I can officially just be lazy all day... l=]

Nothing To Do...

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:08:21 GMT

Our karaoke thing in chorus went pretty well, except that there was something wrong with the background track, so we had to start over, yet it still skipped, so we just gave up. It turns out that everyone else in the group thought Libby had left too, and were pretty frustrated that she never actually practiced with us until the end. And the health final was actually chanced to this essay on what we would be most proud of and what we would most regret if we died over the summer. [I think I'm going to post what I remember of that, because that was actually really good for me, I think.]

Tomorrow's my geometry final, which I'm expecting to be pretty ok on, though there are a few formulas I should look over, though I've had a high 'A' a year, [and the automatic extra 10% from getting a 'passed advanced' on the Sol], so it's not even a huge problem to get even a 'C' or so. There's also the history presentation, and I have a general idea of what I'll say, though I've found that if I actually try to plan every word, I end up more nervous when things don't go exactly as planned. I'm not expecting it to go particularly well anyways, because I suck at public speaking, but my visual's pretty great compared to everyone else's [and she's an easy grader too].

Tomorrow The Sun Will Rise Once More

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 04:16:55 GMT

Final exams start tomorrow [though I only have chorus and health]. In chorus we're not actually doing anything except for this karaoke group project where we go up and sing random songs for a bit. The group I'm in chose 'Heaven', but this girl in my class, Libby, who I actually met on the first day of school when she was lost, is apparently in our group, even though I swear we kicked her out on the first day of the assignment when we had a group of seven when the limit was originally six as it is. I've worked with her on a couple other things this year, because I also have history class with her, because she seemed like she was smart and a really hard worker at first, though I soon realized that have her ideas end up making the project shitty later and are just pointless anyway because they're nowhere near the scope of the work actually assigned, so I honestly have no idea how tomorrow morning's going work out.

We finally had our Sol pizza party in history today though, so that was pretty nice [and we didn't get anything done in class anyway, though we were supposed to practice the presentations for the final project. Speaking of which, I worked until 1.28 AM on the visual part [that was turned in today], due to my procrastination over the weekend. Gahhh... [And I should probably look over the study guide for health at some point because that is actually a test, though it's Carter, so it'll probably just be common sense-type questions.]

Halfway There

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 04:25:00 GMT

I'm really bored, and there are things I should do, projects that I need to work on, so that I won't have to rush through the history assignment [20% of the final grade for the year] the night before it's due. It's weird though, to think that a week from today, school will actually be out, and I'll officially be halfway through Lake Braddock. Yeah, I've been keeping track.

Almost

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 04:16:59 GMT

So the song project actually wasn't that bad. The beginning was a lot better than I thought I'd be, until my hand just started spasming during the last bridge and I skipped ahead because I'd stopped counting. I think everyone that went Tuesday had pretty much perfected their songs and volunteered, and everyone today made more mistakes, though they were less nerve wrecking. The girl that was supposed to go before me, Jessi, is usually a pretty good guitarist, but she did a classical piece and messed up a few times, which actually did wonders to calm me down. And now I have a full week to just focus on working on the final piece.

I know we're just watching a movie in chorus tomorrow, either highlighting notes in the final review or finishing Coach Carter in health, finishing the TOTC movie [for the second time because our class told her that we'd pretty much just started the movie the class after we'd actually watched and finished it the first time], and doing sex ed. and probably watching the "Miracle of Life" video in biology [which I just saw a few weeks ago in health and showed a real birth] or finishing the other video that I slept through, so it should be an easy day.

The Eye of the Storm

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:35:47 GMT

So there was a tornado in the area today, and the power went down from about 3.30 to 9 tonight. People that were still in school when they announced the tornado warning apparently had to stay there for an extra hour or something to get all the buses worked out, with all the flash flooding and such. Luckily, I actually decided to just walk home while it hadn't started yet, though it was oddly humid out. Dance was canceled, and we ended up having to eat out because our range runs on electricity. There was this other family at the Chinese buffet we went to that all pretty much ran to the window when they heard that it had stated to rain again [the blinds were shut], which was really weird, and they also had some bizarrely poppy Mandopop concert on.

But I finally got the Lovex album I bought on Ebay tonight, and I'm currently loving it. l=] Except I have the guitar project to present tomorrow, which I should practice because although I can play it now, I'll end up freaking out minutes before or something and just panicking...

Crisis

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:55:02 GMT

I think I'm going to switch my guitar project song. Because Roadside goes by too quickly on the recording and I can actually play OUtside, by Staind. Yeah. And I'm almost actually done with all the work I planned to do today, except for the Sparknotes the rest of Tale of Two Cities for the test tomorrow...

A Wasted Life

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 03:58:08 GMT

So I'm really bored, my leg is itchy, and I still have my math homework to complete [which I won't actually get done]. The power randomly went out for an hour or so a bit ago, so that was a total waste of time, but at least my chorus project was presented today and the geometry thing is due tomorrow and I've already finished that.

And we had to dissect fetal pigs in biology today, which was so gross and sad, but at least the assignment itself was hard at all. I'm pretty good friends with the people I partnered with, so they never actually made me touch the pig or anything. It was either that or do some "alternate assignment" from the book. The pig was so cute though... At least all that's left of the year before the final is some sex ed. video on conception and birth that's apparently the same one we watched in health a few weeks ago, which actually made me officially decide that I was never giving birth. Ever.

[And I might be going to Nightwish later this year if I actually remember to ask my parents before they go to sleep tomorrow]

Be My Sugar Rush?

Sat, 31 May 2008 04:58:02 GMT

I'm so bored right now. And I have four projects to work on over the weekend, two of which count as final exam grades, that I should make progress on, but I can't actually quite bring myself to do them. Instead, I'm sitting here, reading fanfics on the computer. [And I probably won't have the time/ energy to work on them tomorrow night either. l=/ ]

A Productive Day

Fri, 30 May 2008 04:02:11 GMT

So I had biology for 2 hours with the testing schedule, where I finished the anatomy worksheet packet by splitting and copying it with this group of people around my desk, then had chorus for the next 2 hours where we did review for the final exam for a bit and were assigned groups for this musical history group project, which we had an hour and a half to do, but our group spent the entire time arguing and getting confused about the assignment, so we ended up with nothing done, even though I actually only have to find a biography of Elvis and focus on that. Then went to biology again and just talked and let people copy off my stuff for an hour, and finally watched this old movie version of Tale of Two Cities for a couple hours and only got yelled at twice during it by the teacher. l=]

And I've also decided that Yu is now officially my new favorite member of Cinema Bizarre. [Sorry, Shin!]

The Answers Don't Always Seem To Fit

Thu, 29 May 2008 02:47:28 GMT

I had my geometry Sol today, which was pretty easy, except that they made us erase the memory on our calculators, and i accidentally erased too much and now all my settings and applications are gone. [I would have eventually used the Dutch setting at some point. l=[ ] Then all I could do was sit there because I couldn't even mess with my calculator and of course, I hadn't bothered to bring a book. We watched The Lion King in health afterwards [or at least the first half] and I realized how long it's been since I've seen that movie and actually paid attention.

And now I've found a copy of the Japanese version of the Divine Insanity album on Ebay for a reasonable price [as in under $30] so I have to stay on that for a couple for another hour or so until the bidding is over because I'm up against another person, though they have already stopped, I think.

The Best Sleep

Wed, 28 May 2008 03:53:54 GMT

Today was actually really pointless at school because the schedule had the first block, 2nd period, for two hours and we just watched Series of Unfortunate Events and had a post- spring concert party. Then all the classes were only 25 minutes, so we didn't even really do anything. I found out that the cover song project for my guitar class is going to be presented either Tuesday or Thursday next week, so I should pretty much be panicking because I'm doing Rise Against's 'Roadside' and even though I can play it, I have to go about 4 times faster to get up with the recording on the riffs [which I can barely even hear].

This girl Chelsea also just told me today that during the biology Sol we took last week, this kid in our class had actually been smoking pot during the test, and the procter never even noticed in the room of 25 kids. My computer was facing the opposite direction so I never saw or even smelled anything, but I noticed that I had actually fallen asleep right after finishing even though I usually don't get tired again in the mornings until at least a couple hours after. My geometry test is tomorrow, and with the way the scheduling worked, I actually have my geometry class, then the Sol, so it'll either be a really easy day in class, or an hour and a half of review that just drags on. I'm just hoping that if someone brings pot tomorrow, they'll share. l=]

The World Has Brought Me Down

Tue, 27 May 2008 04:01:45 GMT

Atlantic City was actually pretty fun on Saturday, except that neither of my parents [nor myself] actually gambled and they just ended up following me around of the boardwalk and that we drove for maybe 10 hours and were only there for, like, 5. Run some errands on Sunday and just barely did my math homework today, which would be nice if I didn't also have to work on my history and guitar projects as well. God, I always just get so tired once I even think about doing work now. It's like I've gotten a taste of summer now that we're testing and the schedule's been more laid back that I can't even focus properly anymore for the last few weeks.

The last day of school has apparently been changed again at our school to the 13th, instead of the 16th, so that we end on a friday, which means that all the finals are being moved up, which doesn't actually affect the studying that I won't do anyways, but the thing that sucks is that we're giving presentations in history and guitar instead of an exam, and I'm already slipping in both those classes. *Prepares noose*

Anyway

Sat, 24 May 2008 03:45:18 GMT

So I'm supposed to leave for Atlantic City in the morning for the day tomorrow, so I should actually be getting to bed soon. Should being the operative term. Why did I suddenly get really sleepy once I typed that sentence? And I finally uploaded the pictures from the chorus trip to Disney World [from two months ago] so at least there's that to prove I didn't just stay home to pack on a Friday and end up actually doing nothing all evening.

A Song and Dance

Fri, 23 May 2008 04:01:06 GMT

So the day starts with taking the biology Sol for about 45 minutes, then falling asleep for the remaining hour and a half that they gave, only to wake up with a sleave print on my face. The day apparently wasn't that interesting because I can't even remember most of it, until the chorus concert, which was incredibly long, but was at least pretty easygoing compared to the rehearsals. Now I'm watching rednecks get married because there's nothing else on. l=[